My mom has cancer, how should I deal with it?

Question

My mom first had breast cancer in about 2008. Last winter she had a tumor in her head, got it removed, and now we're finding out all these problems. She took chemo during the spring, she started going to a better hospital that's 2 hours away, and they're trying to figure out what's wrong. She had a rare type of cancer, spots on her lungs, and things wrong with her spine or it's like hurt from cancer or something. It's like a mess and spreading.

I'm only 16 and I've kinda been like not doing anything about it. When she went into the hospital the first time and we found out she had a tumor I cried while she was gone and a one or twice since than but I don't know. She always tells me my family and people ask about how I'm doing and I always find it weird and I don't want anything to do with people acting weird around me, feeling sorry for me, and acting like they need to hug me and hold my hands when I very hardly know them or I've never spend time with them since they my mom's side of the family hardly talked to us before all this.

Like now when I think about it upsets me. She told me today she has to get two types of chemo done and she might die so that's why I feel like need to start actually doing something. But like my family doesn't sit around and cry, we just like think too much into it, my siblings and I kind of ignore it. But I don't want to keep being a stupid teenager and than have her die and I'll feel bad about not expressing my interests and life with my mom and being too busy being a moody teenager.

And I'm going to be a junior, I need to take my drivers test soon, which means get a job soon after, go to college, and suddenly be an adult. And I feel like I need to learn and be fully able to wash my own clothes and be an adult. I've been asking my mom a million questions about how I do this or what this is like so I have some insight from her on how to deal with adult things.

I don't know how I'm suppose to deal with it.

Answer 1

You're going through some very tough things right now. I'm very sorry to hear that your mom is so ill, but the best thing you can do for her is to be yourself and give her some really good memories of you to keep forever.



You can't really DO anything. The cancer and her treatment are being handled. Your mom would probably be really happy if she knew that you were a good and moral person, that you were trying your best to be the best person you could be, and that you were happy. I had cancer, and recovered--and the oly thing I was really worried about with my children was that they weren't going to be so sad. She needs positive thoughts and actions around her in order for her to keep her own spirits up. You shouldn't ignore it, though; cancer patients need to be able to talk to people about their illness. People who walk on eggshells around a cancer patient often end up irritating the person and making them very uncomfortable. If all that means is that you sit with her an hour or so every day and tell her what's going on in your life--the good AND the bad--and listen to her when she talks, you'll probably do her a lot more good than you can imagine.



Yes, you should learn to do things for yourself, too--laundry, dishes, cooking--but don't make it a huge priority. At 16, you've got a lot of time to learn those things yet. But maybe you could experiment here and there with these household tasks, and then let your mom know that you're trying to step up and take some responsibility. That will also make her happy. Your asking her advice is not a bad thing at all.



This is very hard. It's sometimes a lot harder on the people around you than it is on the actual cancer patient. Just spend time with her. Listen. Talk. Share. Get to know her as a person, not just as a mom. This will do her more good than almost anything else you could do.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like all her problems are breast cancer related which means she is stage 4 and terminal. I am sorry to be so blunt but you are obviously concerned and want to know the truth. How long your mother survives is an unknown, may women can survive quite a few years with mets from breast cancer, some others not so long. I think you are right in wanting to spend more quality time with her. Enjoy your time with her and let her steer you in what she wants to do. Talk to her and help her out. Never give up hope because that is always there for you.



Best of luck to your mother and your family.

Answer 3

The drug suggested in the first answer is a chemotherapy drug.

Frankly, it is an asinine suggestion for you to take it.

Do NOT make any attempt to use that drug yourself.



I'm very sorry that you have such great worries about your Mom. In all honesty, I know from experience that there is no truly easy way to deal with the situation you are in. You are very wise to be concerned about not expressing our feelings to your Mom.



The most important thing you wrote is this:



<< But I don't want to keep being a stupid teenager and than have her die and I'll feel bad about not expressing my interests and life with my mom and being too busy being a moody teenager. >>





That you realize the seriousness of this situation tells me that you probably will do many things right. Tell your Mom that you want to talk with her about these worries. Ask her to tell you when it is OK to talk. Keep in mind that she is very worried about all of you. No Mom wants to leave teenage kids behind. Try to be supportive of your Mom. Realize that she probably has lots of things she wants to say and hear. Listen patiently to her, and speak sincerely to her when she feels well enough to talk.



I think you should consider putting off some things if that is possible. Laundry is needed, but maybe a new job is not needed. If you have to work to support the household, then work, but if you just plan to work because you now are old enough, I think you would be much better off helping the family and your Mom. As for college, maybe that also could wait a year or two.



The hospital where your Mom is being treated probably has psychologists on staff who can hep families to adjust to the difficulties of having a loved one go through serious medical treatments. Talk with your Mom about asking for a referral to a counselor or psychologist.



If your family practices a religion, this is a good time to get more active in your faith. If you do not currently have a specific religion, I suggest that you start praying daily, and consider attending Church services.



I'm going to bring up something that is unpleasant, but it is important. Three years ago my oldest brother took his own life. He committed suicide. That was only a few months after my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. I think my Mom's illness was one reason my brother took his own life. I mention this only to tell you that if you get depressed, it would be a terrible idea to harm yourself in any way. That would cause unimaginable suffering for lots of other people.



People in your situation sometimes panic, and they make terrible decisions.

I know you did not say you are considering suicide, and I hope you never consider it.

Just in case this whole problem gets to be so hard on you that you start to think you really can't go through it all,



I am giving you the phone number and web address of the

National suicide Lifeline:



http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/



Call us1-800-273-TALK (8255)





Ask to talk with your Mom's doctors.

Ask for a referral to a psychologist or other counselor to help you and your family.

I will remember you in my prayers.





I am Roman Catholic.

Peace be with you.









EDIT: That first answer got deleted. Please realize that the drug mentioned is NOT for you.

Answer 4

I feel sorry for your mom and you,hope she gets well soon.Always remember that what's fated to happen WILL happen,if it's fated that your mom's cancer will be cured it will be cured and if it's fated that she will die,she will die(sorry if this hurts you somehow).I don't think there's much you can do about it but try not to make her do too much effort.And for the clothes thing,you can ask anyone in the family to tell you how to do it(grandma,aunt etc).Wish you and your mom the best luck.



By the way,breast cancer is not as bad as other type of cancer.Cure chances in it is pretty high as far as I know.

Answer 5

I have about 3 billion friends who have parents that have had breast cancer. Every single one of them survived, and there is a very big chance that your mom will too. One of my friends mothers had it for 6 years, and finally got over it. You have nothing to worry about :) It may take a while, but it's obviously worth the wait.